I was really moved by the article we posted recently about a man’s wish to have received some important marriage advice which could probably helped him save his marriage, important lessons he had to learn the hard way. I really connected with his advice, as I’m sure many of you will, because we’ve all made mistakes in our relationships. His post inspired me to write about “what she thinks, but won’t tell you.” This serves as a complement to his views as a husband, who wished he had the answers. If you’ve been through a divorce or ended a long-term committed relationship, the writing is typically on the walls. The road to marital break up is usually not an easy one, nor unexpected. Well, some of you just don’t believe your partner will ever leave you, until that day comes.
I went through a painful and difficult divorce myself, after having been married for over 8 years. The relationship lasted over a total of 12 years. Unfortunately, our marriage did not read like a fairly tale, but there were many happy moments. We have 2 beautiful children which came from our marriage. They have been the greatest gifts to us both. They would not be here had it not been for our union, so I could never regret the choice I made to be with him at that time.
You would expect a dating and relationship expert have all the secrets to making things work, right? Well, I’m sure you’ll agree that expertise on anything comes from a series of failures and successes and learning from mistakes along the way.
I believe that it takes two people working together to truly have success in a marriage; so trying to revive a dead horse is useless in my opinion. When your advice falls on deaf ears, it has no impact. Some marriages end because they have to. Not because you want it to; it’s because the damage is already done. There’s too much pain, anger and resentment. Ultimately, it’s because the trust is gone. Without trust, you have no foundation for the relationship to survive.
So here’s my opinion of what she thinks but won’t tell you, in times of relationship crisis. In fact, she may have these thoughts even when you’re not arguing. She’s the emotional one, the worrier. She can come up with some really elaborate stories in her mind, reads your mind (or so she thinks she can) and makes all sorts of assumptions about what you’re thinking and doing. In truth, she would love nothing more than for you to know exactly what she’s thinking and feeling, without her ever having to tell you.
1. I’m Never a Priority.
Are you guilty of not spending enough time with your partner? What she thinks, is she’s become the last item on your list of things to do, people to see and places to go. When you’re focused on bringing home the bacon, but you’re never around long enough to enjoy it, it’s sort of a sad irony. She thinks she should be the first on your list of priorities. You should keep her posted, and call her when you’re running late or changing plans; that would be the courteous thing to do. She knows you have important man stuff to do, which is why she loves and appreciates you for it. But if she feels like she has to jump through hoops to get your attention, it makes her feel as if those other things occupying your precious time means more to you. So when Gerald talked about “never stop courting,” this is exactly the reason why.
2. Say It, and Show It.
If you’ve ever taken the time to discover your love languages, you will have a really good sense of how she wants to be loved. She thinks you don’t understand her, or you’re not interested in finding out what will make her happy and how to love her. Maybe she likes hearing it; or maybe she likes it shown through kind acts and gestures. If you ask me, women want it all. Don’t say things to her, if you don’t mean it. And don’t do things for her, if it’s out of spite. I loved the part in the movie “The Break Up” when Jennifer Aniston gets upset with Vince Vaughn saying, “I want you, to WANT to do the dishes!” And he responds with, “But I DON’T want to do the dishes.” It wasn’t about the dishes at all. It was about him doing something for her, without her asking. Why? Because he loves her enough to do the dishes without asking-for it once. So if you don’t tell her enough about how much you love and appreciate her, start now. And if you feel you’re not doing enough to make it obvious, you can start with doing the dishes.
3. Share Something That’s Only Between the Two of Us.
I find with many happily married people, they often share this one thing, or a few things, which are always just between the two of them. It’s like their awesome thing, their inside secret. The thing they believe could never be shared with anyone else in the whole wide world! It could be their favorite coffee place they meet at once a week, the matching tattoos they got in Vegas, the secret sexy pet names they’ve given to one another, or the nightly ritual they share before they go to bed. When you treat each other like you’re just playing house, and you don’t have anything special you share which is sacred and only between the two of you, she thinks she’s just like every other woman you’ve ever been with. You’re just with her for the sake of being in a relationship.
Some of my fondest memories are of the special secret moments, sayings, places, songs and gifts which were given to me by someone I once loved. I find myself instantly attached to those memories, as if I had just experienced them when I am reminded of our “thing.” If you don’t have something special you share, create one. Promise each other to make it something you only share, between the two of you.
4. Trust Me & Make Me Feel Secure.
One of the first things Gerald wrote about in his first tip, “Never stop courting” was to remember she chose you. Of all the millions of people on the planet earth, she’s with YOU. So remember it! She said “Yes” , “I do” or whatever it was she said when she decided to be committed to you in the first place, so stop questioning it. The sexy outfits are for you. The pleasing personality is for you. The sandwiches are for you. She is for you. If you’re constantly questioning who this person is, or that person; she thinks you don’t trust her. She doesn’t want to have to continually justify her relationships with other people or defend her position. It’s natural to feel some jealousy from time to time, but if she says it’s nothing to worry about, trust her. Now, this may sound a little bit like a double standard, but when she feels insecure, she wants you to reassure her. She also wants you to willingly and pleasantly answer her 20 questions. She wants you to reassure her before she even opens her mouth.
I remember being at a party many years ago, and a very stunning woman entered the room, with barely any clothing on. It took about 3 seconds before my ex-husband leaned over and said “Ah, she’s got nothing on you baby.” If you think men have hot woman radar, think again. I saw her coming, get out of her car and I knew exactly what she was wearing from head to toe; before she even entered the party. It’s funny how some people might see this as insecurity. I was younger then, so there was a bit of that, as well as competitiveness and jealousy. I only wanted my partner to have eyes for me. I think, your partner might think this way too. It’s unrealistic for her to think her man will never look at another woman without admiration. Despite that, she secretly wants you to make her feel as if she’s the only woman in the room, at any moment and anytime. She wants to glance at you from a distance at opposite ends of the party, knowing you know exactly where she is. Her hope, is you’re staring lovingly, attentively and noticeably; with eyes that say, “I can’t wait til we get home tonight.”
5. I Want to be Your Queen/Princess.
What she thinks, but won’t tell you is she deserves a fairly tale romance. She wants her own personal Prince Charming. She’s Sleeping Beauty, and you’re the magical prince who gives her that one special kiss and changes her life forever. She’s Rapunzel alone in the tower, or Cinderella waiting for you to come along with a glass slipper. I know it’s tough for a lot of guys to measure up to the Robin Hood and Shrek type, but the point of using a fairy tale analogy, is she just wants to be your queen or princess. Treat her how you would like your female family members to be treated; not forgetting the passion.
6. I Want to be Proud of You.
You’re the one man in the whole wide world worthy of her being given away to you by her father. She expects you to love and protect her, until death do you part. She wants you to desire and care for her; while she admires, respects and shows pride in you. There are many things she’s hoping you will do, but won’t always tell you. Even if she tried to tell you, what you hear is “womanese.”
Definition for “womanese” in the urban dictionary:
a. the mysterious language of the species ‘woman’, which men find extremely difficult to grasp. It’s primary function is as an almost impenetrable code only fully understood within their own circle.
b. a form of female telepathy used to confound men. Involves giving impossiblly subtle verbal clues which the man is expected to know before they are spoken.
c. a method of communication that involves not saying something in order to communicate something.
I want to end by saying communication is a two way street. If you find using words to express your love is difficult, start with expressing it through your actions. Sometimes, you don’t have to say anything at all. Asking her the simplest questions, will give you all the answers you need.
Here are 5 questions you can ask her, to help you get started.
- What can I do for you today?
- How can I be a better ___________ (Fill in the blanks) lover, father, partner, friend, listener, communicator?
- What is one thing you would like to see improved or changed in our relationship?
- What would you like for dinner?
- How can I help you?
Now roll up your sleeves and take a deep breathe as I challenge you to ask her one of the above questions for a full week, if you really want to make things better. The secret is, you’re asking because you want to, and not because you have to. I ‘d love to hear how things turn out.
Post the answer she tells you to your questions above in thecomments section below and I’ll happily answer any of your questions 🙂