If you’re looking for ways to get him to commit, I believe hearing from a commitment phobic man who has “been there done that”; may open his eyes to what life may be like 16 years in the future.
I never thought that I’d ever admit this but, I’m a life-long commitment phobe. (And for the record: It’s not a great life.)
As I get older and as the invitations to parties, social gatherings and cottage weekends dry up, I see now what I’ve missed out on. Worse than that, the reality is that nobody wants the single 40 year old bachelor hanging around their wives. It’s true.
When you’re a young, brash, strapping and handsome man with bedroom skills, you don’t think about the future, you think about conquest.
If however, you’re fortunate enough to be romantically overwhelmed by a woman and fall in love with her, (even for a short time,) you’ll find a way to fuck it up because that’s what you’ve trained yourself to do. That’s what commitment-phobics excel at. Fucking up.
Today, I’m writing a letter to someone that I probably should have spent my life with but I screwed it up so profoundly that I’ll never be able to forget what a fool I was. So, if you’re a woman and you believe that your man is “phobic” about taking your relationship to the next level, have him read this.
We met on a chat line. I still can’t believe that I could have been as lucky as I was to find such an intelligent, unquestionably, beautiful, spiritual and sensual woman to love me the way you did. Maybe I wasn’t ready or, maybe I couldn’t believe that a woman so perfect could love such an imperfect beast such as myself.
Each day that we spent together was magical. I can’t believe that we never went a single day without saying I love you and I can’t believe that we never went a single day without holding hands or touching one another. It was the best time of my life and sadly, I never ever told you that. Instead, I ran. You would mention marriage and I would panic. I shouldn’t have.
It’s probably too late now, but the reality is: You knew that you wanted to marry me. You knew that we were right for one another. You knew that what we shared was as close to perfect as we could ever come. I didn’t know, and at the time I didn’t want to know. I wasn’t prepared to admit it to you or anyone else and I wasn’t even sure why.
Today, I can admit it. I was scared that I’d eventually lose you. My fragile male ego couldn’t get past the thought.
You were so beautiful that I was frightened none of it was real. Relationships like the one we had, in my mind, were a dream. I’m sorry that at the time I wasn’t a wiser man. I’m sorry that I put up a wall that blocked the most important parts of me. Parts like my sensibilities, my heart and my mind.
It’s been 16 years and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I have no pictures from that time because I would never stand still long enough to pose for one with you. Something I also regret.
Once in awhile I’ll go to your Facebook just so I can see a photo of you. It makes me feel juvenile and foolish but my curiosity has conditioned me to never stop searching for you.
It wasn’t until 2007 when a male friend asked me if I was married. I said, no and went on to give him some ridiculous rationale that, “it’s just not worth it for me.” I recited some statistic about divorce and then went on to say that we “don’t need anybody. “ “We come into this world alone and we die alone.” He didn’t argue. He nodded at me and then said something that changed my views forever.
What he told me was this: “If you meet someone and you marry them, and then you have children and raise a family; and if after 20 years together, it all comes apart; you’ll still have your children and 20 years of memories. Marriage is like an RRSP. It’s a pretty good investment. Once in awhile it might lose value but over time, it’s always going to be worth more than you originally put into it.”
So, if I could ever find you and you were still a single woman; I’d break myself to try and win you back. If I never find you and we never see one another ever again, you were probably the most important person in my life. Finally, if you’re reading this, it comes sixteen years too late and I’m sad for that. You deserved better from me.
Had I looked at our relationship as the investment it could have been, I would have invested my blood and my bones. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand what you meant to my life.
For the rest of you though, get your act together.
Living with even a single regret will weigh on you for the rest of your life. It’s sad but true. Having the smiles, laughter, tears and memories of the true love you passed on enter your mind each day isn’t worth as much as making the commitment to share them with her forever.
Don’t screw it up.