3 Tips To Getting Over The Love-Hate, Addictive Relationship

I have described some of the relationships with men in my life as an addictive relationship. It’s almost the same as my relationship with certain vices. It’s probably because I’m a super intense person. When I love, I love, and when I hate…I dislike A LOT. Thousands of men and women can relate to this experience; and I know this because they’ve shared them with me. It’s never easy to deal with this type of emotional whirlwind. It’s a living roller coaster ride of emotional climactic highs to very dangerously angry and painful lows. A fellow dating coach Christine Hart, described it to me this way “You can have so much chemistry with some people, that you’re either f*cking or fighting.” That’s exactly the truth for many people. So how do you get away from this type of situation? Where ‘s the magic blue pill you swallow so you can go back to the day you met this person and either start over, or walk on by? Sadly, there isn’t one.  It takes a lot of work and repeated attempts to get through it and get past it.

Here are 3 tips I learned, through life’s lessons.

1. Ask yourself the really tough questions.

   What do I mean by that? The really tough questions for me have always been the simple ones; and they’re often the questions you AVOID because you don’t like the answers. Are you happy? Does he make you feel good about yourself? Do you like who you are when you’re around him? Does he allow you to be yourself? Do you share the same values? Is it just about the sex? Do you trust each other? Does your family and friends like him? Do you see a future with him? Is he someone you ENJOY being with MOST of the time? Does he bring out the best in you, or the worst in you? The biggest challenge in this exercise is you can say YES to both the good and bad questions. Always remember to maintain YOUR personal value and not to compromise your worth and personal growth.

2. Give yourself plenty of time and space from each other after the hate phase

   When you struggle with the answers above, because you find him irresistible, think him to be irreplaceable, the next thing you need to do is to test your theory. If you don’t live together (and even if you currently do) make arrangements to spend time apart. I’m not talking about a couple of hours or days, I’m suggesting a few months; maybe years. Give yourself a TRUE BREAK! During this time you do your very best to maintain ZERO contact. You both agree no calling, texting, blocking on all social media so there’s no creeping or temptation to reconnect. Focus on being better versions of yourselves. This isn’t a time to play the victim or feel like one either. It should be a freeing and liberating experience. Many love/hate relationships have the resemblance of addiction. This is time to withdraw and recover.

3. Know when to walk away and recruit a support team.

   Walking away from a love/hate relationship is one of the most challenging things I’ve had to do (many times over). In the moment and at the time, I truly struggled between believing there was still hope or accepting that it’s finally over. Going through this pattern gets you nowhere, and this is when you call for help. Recruit your family, your best friend, join a club, and enroll in a new activity. You will NEED to distract yourself and FOCUS just on yourself and DO NOT think about the other person.  It doesn’t mean you don’t care or love this person, or the feelings disappear; but you start moving away from the pain and the rollercoaster so you can enjoy a smoother ride in life overall.

Most relationships require a great deal of work and compromise. It’s important to recognize when the love/hate relationship you’re in is really helping you or hurting you from achieving happiness and the goals you have in life. Take a break, focus on yourself and remove the bitterness and negativity.

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